Last Tango in Aberystwyth Read online

  ‘Well he was keeping them, wasn’t he? You know that horrible stringy bit you get, like an umbilical cord or something, that sticks the yolk to the shell? He was saving them up. And there was the play-acting as well, so we thought he must be mad, like …’

  ‘What play-acting?’ asked Llunos.

  ‘He was rehearsing for a part … kept learning his lines, Little Red Riding Hood or something, it was.’

  Llunos gave me a look of enquiry, wondering whether this meant anything to me, but it didn’t.

  ‘Maybe he was just trying to act the nutter. Go on.’

  ‘That’s what we thought, but we was wrong, see. It was the birds, you see, I mean we just never noticed. Well you wouldn’t, would you?’

  ‘Officer, if you don’t get to the end of this story in one minute I’m going to throttle you.’

  ‘Well, there he was like, taming these little sparrows and wrens and chaffinches and things and getting them to perch on his finger and sit on his head – it was really touching, or so we thought. Such gentle creatures, birds. But then we noticed there was something really strange about them. They found their way in all right, but they had terrible difficulty finding their way back out. It was as if they couldn’t see the flue any more. And they kept flying into the wall and squawking. But now we know, don’t we? All that time he was billing and cooing with them he was gouging their little eyes out and then saving them up in the jar meant for his cod liver oil capsules. Then when he had enough he used the boiled egg strings and the albumen and all the little sparrow eye jelly and made himself a set of those fake gouged eye kits you get from the joke shop. I mean, what a nutter! Anyway, next thing you know we get woken in the middle of the night by this blood-curdling screaming and there’s Custard Pie standing with his eyes all bloody and streaming down his cheeks. He screams, “I’ve done my eyes, I’ve done my eyes, get me an ambulance!” That’s about it really.’

  ‘That’s it!?’ I shouted. ‘That’s it!? You just thought, oh he’s done his eyes. We’ll call an ambulance. You didn’t, like, take a look or anything?’ I tried to sound harsh but there was no point. No point whatsoever.

  The guard answered, ‘I know it sounds daft. But what would you have done at 3 am? Maybe if you was an optician it would have been different but there was us, like, woken up in the middle of the night with this nutter screaming and his whole face gushing sparrow viscera mixed with boiled egg … So we rang for an ambulance. Anybody would’ve.’

  Llunos turned to me. ‘Five minutes after the first ambulance left, a second one turns up. Seems the first was phoney. They found it burned out in Commins Coch this morning.’

  *

  I asked at the pier and down by the station where the apprentice toughs hang out. And I asked in the burger bars and cafés and amusement arcades. And I asked at the harbour and round Trefechan. But no one had seen Calamity recently. I even rang the school but they just laughed at me, they thought she had left the country. Llunos tried to reassure me, saying she would be fine. Custard Pie couldn’t get far because every way out of town was being watched. The railway station, the Cliff Railway, the narrow-gauge railway, the bus station and the harbour. But we both knew Custard Pie was already gone. Probably already with Herod, wherever he was. There was no reason to suppose Calamity was with them, but all the same it didn’t smell good to me and when I finally gave up wandering round town asking people if they had seen her, I went back to the office and picked up the keys to the car.

  The only thing I remember about the drive to Ynyslas were the looks of horror on the people’s faces as they darted out of the way in Bow Street; and then the fists raised in anger in my rear-view mirror. Ten miles and thirty junctions and not once did the accelerator leave the floor. Not once were the brakes engaged until I was driving on sand. And I don’t remember the dash across the wide sands of the estuary or through the sharp marram grass. All I remember is the relief that exploded inside me when I finally saw Cadwaladr.

  He sat wind-blown on the dune top, a can of Special Brew in his hand. He pondered for a while what I had told him, and then said, ‘Are you sure they’ve got her?’

  I took a deep breath and spoke in monotone as if reciting a ghoul’s shopping-list. ‘Calamity has been visiting Custard Pie. He tricked her into helping him escape. Now Calamity has disappeared and no one can find her. What does it look like to you?’

  ‘It’s possible they haven’t got her, it could be she’s on a damn fool’s errand to bring Pie in herself. Maybe she blames herself for him escaping and wants to make amends.’

  ‘I’d love to believe that. But I don’t.’

  Cadwaladr sipped the beer and considered the situation. ‘If Custard Pie has teamed up with Herod it will be tough to catch them,’ he said.

  ‘Are they really that good?’

  He didn’t answer immediately, but stared out to sea, eyes watering in the breeze and focusing on infinity as his thoughts drifted back across the years.

  ‘In Patagonia I fought alongside them for a while – in the early campaigns. I used to watch them go out on night patrol – faces all smeared up with charcoal and paint. When they came back at dawn they’d always have a prisoner with them, some poor terrified conscript, trussed up like a turkey at Christmas. We never asked who he was or where he was from; we just knew if we wanted any peace and quiet that day we’d better stay out of earshot of the interrogation block.’ He shook his head sadly. ‘I can still remember the cries coming from those cells. They say in all that time there was never a man Custard Pie couldn’t break.’ He paused and took another sip of beer. ‘But if you really want to know what they were like, just look at what happened to Waldo. Remember me telling you about the goalkeeper in the Christmas Day football match?’

  I nodded. ‘You never finished your story.’

  Cadwaladr took a long drink from the can, as if to impart the necessary gravitas to the story of Waldo. Then he started to speak with a slow shake of the head, as if even now he couldn’t believe it.

  ‘Waldo was an Everyman. He stood for all of us. Just a little kid thousands of miles from home in a land he’d never heard of, seeing things that were too much for his heart. They say the reason he signed up for this psychological experiment at the sanatorium was he’d heard it was something to do with memory and all his life he’d been trying to lose his – trying to banish the memory of a certain week. Just one week. It didn’t seem like a lot to ask. Like a lot of guys he tried to drink it away. But no matter how much he drank, it would still be there in the morning, like his shadow.

  ‘The incident took place right at the end of the war. A few weeks before we were shipped home. Waldo was cut off in the wilds, alone, and pinned down in a ravine by a sniper. That sniper in turn was pinned down by Waldo. It was stalemate, neither could move without getting shot by the other. This went on for a week until finally the other guy’s morale collapsed and he made a break for it and Waldo shot him. The bullet got him in the stomach – the wound we all feared most – but it didn’t kill him. Waldo spent the next three days listening to his cries of pain coming from behind a rock. At the end of the third day, as the man’s moans were getting fainter and fainter, a dispatch rider turned up and told Waldo the armistice had been signed a week ago. Waldo was shocked. All that time they had been trying to kill each other, and yet the war was over; they had been brothers all along. A tremendous burst of love surges through the veins of Waldo and he rushes over to the stricken man and weeps. He takes out his first-aid kit and tries to save him. “My brother,” he cries, “my brother! It’s late in the day, but do not despair!” Waldo reckons if he can staunch the bleeding, and stabilise him, they can get him back to a hospital, and he might make it. In that instant saving this man becomes the most important undertaking in his whole life. It’s as if the sun has burst through the cloud in his heart. Ever since he was a kid he has been confused about who he is and what he was put on this earth for. And now he sees with a rare clarity that for one tiny fragment
of time he can perform an act that has meaning, a truly moral act – perhaps the only one he will ever perform in his life. Waldo was not a bookish type, not a thinker, but squatting down in the mud of that ravine holding a wound-compress to the bullet holes in the man’s stomach he understood it in a way that was deeper than words. This pure human act of salvation that could stand as a bigger symbol: to redeem all the terrible carnage and slaughter of the past three years. Then the dispatch rider comes over and says, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who dived in the box?” And by God it was. Suddenly, the piercing sharp clarity of Waldo’s vision has fled. The idea of salvation and brotherhood have vanished. Instead lying at his feet is the little jerk who fucked up the Christmas Day game.

  ‘“You dived didn’t you!” they shout at him.

  ‘“Save me, my brother,” he pleads. “Save me that I might go back to my little farm in the Sierra Machynlleth.”

  ‘“Don’t change the subject, you’re the little rat that dived in the box, aren’t you?”

  ‘“Holy Mother of God,” he cries. “I swear on all that is holy that I didn’t.”

  ‘“Yes you bloody well did!”

  ‘“No, it wasn’t me. It was someone who looks like me. My cousin Gabriel – he is a bad man, always making trouble, a bastardo!”

  ‘“That’s it!” they cry. “Turn your comrade in to save your skin.”

  ‘“No, my friends, it is not true. Please save me. Think of my wife and daughter Carmencita who is only two and knows nothing of the villainy of this world. Must she grow up an orphan because of Gabriel’s treachery?”

  ‘“You should have thought about that before you dived in the box!” Both are incensed now. Not only that he did the terrible deed but that he should lie about it here on his death-bed to the only men in the world with the power to save him.

  ‘So they try to extract a confession. They write it out for him and hold it under his nose. “Go on,” they said. “Admit to the dive, and we’ll save you.”

  ‘“On the bones of the saints, I swear I didn’t,” he cried, his breath getting weaker and weaker, since Waldo has removed the wound-dressing now and the man’s rich crimson gore is staining the bed of that ravine.

  ‘“You Latin footballers are all the same,” says Waldo. “You’re always diving! This is your last chance to absolve yourself before you go to meet your maker.”

  ‘But he refuses. And while he slowly dies, they break open a bottle of tequila and drink to victory and then dip their arms in his blood and laugh. They laugh. Two years ago on the shores of Lake Bala, Waldo would have cried to see a bird hit by a car. And now he laughs. Who can ever fathom the mysteries of the human heart? The enemy soldier went to his grave refusing to accept that it was a dive and left behind a daughter Carmencita and a legacy of knowledge concerning the villainy of the world about which she had known nothing and now knew all.

  ‘When word got out about this incident the men were deeply shocked. “For God’s sake, Waldo!” they said. “It was only a game of football! What were you thinking!” You see, peace had brought a new understanding to the men – the insight that the soldier Waldo killed had truly been his brother. It was the brass hats who were the real enemy: those officers who preferred to spend three years watching us get slaughtered rather than admit they’d made a mistake. In that moment the men understood what a terrible crime Waldo had committed. Just as his attempt to save the man had served as a greater symbol of Christ’s mercy so the murder acquired a terrible universal significance. And they grew afraid and shunned Waldo. It was as if in spilling his brother’s blood he had become the living embodiment of Cain. As if his crime would hang around the necks of all of them like the ancient mariner’s albatross. They struggled to think of a way of expiating his sin. Then someone had the idea of organising a collection for the little orphan Carmencita. It was a simple solution but instantly the fear fell away from their hearts. Though no one had much to give, they all gave gladly what they could. Except for Dai the Custard Pie and Mrs Llantrisant. They jeered at the collectors and called Waldo a hero. But Herod did not join in their derision but seemed silent and thoughtful. Later he sought the men out in the quiet of the evening and said that he had been deeply moved by the story of Carmencita and although he had nothing to give he would regard it as an honour if they would let him deliver the money. At first the men were dubious, but taking the view that the Lord rejoiceth more for one sinner who repents than nine who never strayed they accepted his offer. Two days later the owner of the cantina brought him back to the base in a wheelbarrow and left him snoring and reeking of tequila outside the gates. No one needed to ask what had happened to the money.’

  ‘None of this really helps me find Custard Pie.’

  ‘I’m telling you this because you need to understand what sort of people these are. Know your enemy, Louie, first rule of survival. Custard Pie will be with Herod, he must have a base somewhere, up in the hills. That’s where they’ll be.’

  ‘But how do I track down Herod?’

  ‘Not easily, that’s for sure. Normally you need bait.’

  ‘What sort of bait?’

  He looked at me without expression. ‘You’d be good.’

  ‘Me?!’

  ‘If it was my mission, I’d be using you.’

  ‘You think he will just come and get me?’

  ‘You did knock him out of an aeroplane. He might have lost his memory but I bet you anything he never forgot that.’

  ‘I don’t have the time to sit and hope he comes to me, don’t you understand that?’

  ‘In that case you’re going to have to outfox him. The only way to do that is to speak to someone who knows him better than he knows himself.’

  ‘Oh really. Do you have any suggestions?’

  ‘Just one, because there is only one person in Wales who knows Herod like that. His old commanding officer, the one who trained him.’

  ‘The man who trained him?’

  ‘Taught him everything he knew.’

  ‘And who’s that?’

  ‘Mrs Llantrisant.’

  Chapter 17

  WOULD SHE TALK to me? The obvious answer was ‘never in a million years’. But maybe today was the million-and-first. Maybe those postcards she had been sending me, babbling on about her little garden and the potatoes and the two puffins signalled a final mellowing in the iron heart of Mrs Llantrisant. Or maybe it was just another cheap attempt to get a ticket out of jail by feigning insanity. But there was only one way to find out and I owed it to Calamity to try, no matter how remote the chances. The only problem was how to get there. Since she was a category Triple-A prisoner, the only way on or off Saint Madoc’s Rock was by the police launch. It was a rule strictly enforced and anyone who broke it would risk losing his mariner’s permit.

  I drove down to the harbour for a scout around. Within seconds I found out just how strictly enforced the prohibition was: Ianto the boatman was sitting on an upturned lobster pot, next to a blackboard on which was scribbled in chalk: ‘Trips round the bay, deep-sea fishing, mackerel fishing, trips to Borth, Clarach and to see Mrs Llantrisant.’ As I arrived he was drawing a chalk line through the last item. There was a storm heading in, he explained, and best not to go out so far. I pushed ten pounds into his hands and urged him and he agreed so long as we didn’t stay more than an hour.

  As we chugged out from the harbour, past the bar and on towards a sky that looked ominously dark, Ianto explained about the approaching storm. She wasn’t due for a while yet, but she would be a big one, he said. We were approaching the autumn equinox which made the tides unusually high, and the moon was almost full which made them higher still. And the equinoctial storms could be fierce, he said. Add all those together and the town would be in for a battering tonight. He stopped and pointed with his pipe towards the horizon. Saint Madoc’s Rock.

  It was still more than half a mile away, but we could see Mrs Llantrisant. She stood like a heron on the cliff looking out to sea. Ianto han
ded me his binoculars and I trained them on her for a while. She remained there buffeted by the fierce wind, unmoving like a grim statue, her face expressionless and impassive, seemingly impervious to the constant beating of the gales off the Atlantic.

  Ianto said she stood there every day, from dawn till sunset. And then added, ‘I wouldn’t like to be on that island tonight.’

  Ianto beached the boat on the pebbles and pointed to the path, then took out a flask of tea and his newspaper and prepared to wait. He had no interest in seeing the island. To an old seadog like him, a featureless rock outcrop meant nothing, and to him Mrs Llantrisant was nothing too, just some sad, mad old woman who had somehow managed to start a flood three years ago that washed away his garden shed.

  At the top of the cliff I walked towards Mrs Llantrisant. She took no notice of me, even though it was clear she could see me. It was typical of her, by which I meant not the shrivelled old gossip who swabbed my step for all those years but the other one, the secret one who lived inside her and used her charming stupidity as a perfect piece of camouflage. Lieutenant Llantrisant, or Gwenno Guevara as she once was in her freedom-fighting days. She would easily have found the discipline to stand still as stone on a mountain-top if it suited her purpose; would just as easily have had the mental discipline to force her features to betray no surprise at my sudden arrival, to force herself even to pretend I was not there. I shook my head in reluctant admiration and as I did a man appeared at the top of the path, wearing rouge and dressed in a ruffed shirt. He walked up behind Mrs Llantrisant and put his arms round her waist. Then he hoisted her into the air, put her under one arm, and started walking down the path. Still she remained ramrod straight – as stiff and erect as a toy soldier – but as she became outlined against the bright grey of the sky, I could see that instead of feet she had a metal stand like the base of a tailor’s dummy. The man who picked her up whistled cheerfully and then stopped about two yards in front of me. His eyes shot open but, to his credit, surprised as he was, he didn’t drop Mrs Llantrisant.